You can't motorboat a personality
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
