She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
