Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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