Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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