i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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