Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
