My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
