Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
