i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
