You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize