i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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