Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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