okay pat passed out under dana's car
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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