well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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