Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
false alarm, still single
Randomize