Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
