i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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