so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
