Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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