I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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