we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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