Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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