she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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