I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
