my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
