I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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