i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
