paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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