My underwear smells like fireworks.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
