dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
