It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I have post one night stand depression
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