Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
