If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize