Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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