my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
