sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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