am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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