look no pants
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
