FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
