sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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