You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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