how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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