I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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