I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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