I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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