I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
the liver wants what the liver wants
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
