Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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