Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
