I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
