Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
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What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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