WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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