I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
