Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Randomize
