I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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