who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
