I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
