Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I fill condoms, not promises.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
