i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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