I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
