I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
