I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
