I can text with my tongue
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
