"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
