WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
