It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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