cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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